| i've been gone a long time... |
[16 Jun 2006|08:54pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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wow...its been like, 2 years since i've even looked at this thing. ..i'm surprised i even remembered my password ... its weird these entries all seem so distant. like they aren't a part of me...but in some hidden spot inside of me they still remain. i've changed so much since i started this... and i think i'm actually banking on the fact that no one even reads this because this is more of a rambling with my fingers thing than anything else. i think i've ran out of the profoud and insightful thoughts that used to come so easily to me. its saddening to know how different i am now...not that i want what i once had, but in that i'm such a different person inside. i dont know myself like i used to. i cant tell what i feel and i cant control my emotions like i once could. ..i've lost the ability to talk to people too, ..i mean, i can still talk and relate to people, but i feel like i cant help them like i used to be able to. i think that comes from a lack of self-awareness. i mean. i know what i want, and where i'm going. its where i am that loses me sometimes, i think. sometimes i get confused or scared enough that i wont even say what i'm feeling now too, although i've been working on that one a lot. maybe i do know myself, but in a differnet way than before..maybe i dont need that quiet brooding emo thing at all anymore because i'm happy with where i am. and i still want to help people, i've just realized its not realistic for me to try and take on everyone else's problems, especially when i always have some of my own.
i'd say i'm in a good place in my life... i'm a little unsure of a few things, but i'm hopeful too. .. i've reopened myself lately and decided to try trusting again. for the longest time it was easier not to get close to people.. i enjoyed the feeling of knowing people liked me and that i could hold their attention.. i enjoyed the control that that gave me. .. but not the distance it put between me and my true sense of self. i think the transition time was necessary and that that was the main thing responsible for changing me into what i am now. i'm much more confident now too ... thats something being with one person could have never taught me. i dont need people to need me.. but that feeling made me realize what i am and what i can be. ..not just what i thought i was. i still enjoy that control... but its in a different sense. i can control a situation but not have to worry about losing control... and i can trust. not completely..but i'm working on it. i've always had this fear of getting hurt .. but then, i think everyone has that somewhere in them. mine just tends to influence me a lot. i sometimes feel like i put way too much effort into things, and that i'll scare him away. .. but on the flipside i feel as if there is a lack of effort coming my way in return too. its like i'm overcompensating for soemthing that i feel i should have already been compensated for. but thats something i should take directly to the source of my disappointment...and not allude to in broken broad sentences that mean nothing to anyone. maybe this could be perfect. ..its nice most of the time... but theres still that awkwardness that i want so readily to go away. i guess the circumstances are way different than anything else i've ever found trust in before though. ...
but for now i think that patience in a virtue.. and that proper wording is key to this hopes success. sometimes its hard for me to say what i mean..and i know that that clouds things over...
its just sometimes...doing or not doing the smallest things can mean the world to someone. .. or make them question things entirely...and rethink what they are doing.
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| the seasons are a cycle.... |
[26 Jul 2004|07:31pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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oldies. |
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...as are too many other things in life.
i guess to everyone one there are two kinds of 'important'. whats important to you and whats important to anyone else. i've always wondered about the bonds that people share especially since they will always be hindered by the "important's". i think the first trick is assessing the importance of something to those concerened [we'll say people we care a lot about because most people aren't superhero's going out of their way for random bystanders.....almost sadly] and taking into account how big of a deal it is to them before you assess its value to yourself.
for example: Jill has her dance recital and asked her boyfriend, Matt, to attend. Matt loves that Jill dances, but hates to watch boring old recitals. he figures all he wants to see is the way she dances; the way she moves...and he can do that at any other time, without having tons of people subtract from it. Jill loves to dance and while dancing may not be something she'll do forever its still something that she truly enjoys and is important to her. So when she's there and Matt never shows, or never calls to even let her know he wont be there.........how crushed do you think she felt. you could probably watch has her heart is quietly broken.....again.
and i say again because it seems that people don't realize these things, even if they've had it happen to them. so chances are its happened before...and it'll happen again. thats really quite dismal to think about. going through that feeling over and over and it never being understood on the other end. ha, weird. ... maybe. maybe being overreceptive only sets one up to be hurt, even slightly, later on. and ask anyone [who actually understands] and i can bet they'll say: the worst part isn't that they forgot, or didn't call because they were out with other people, [or any other of a ton of not-so-serious reasons.....i mean if their aunt died they have reason to forget the other important persons around them for a bit], its the fact that they don't understand why you're upset with them, why it hurts, why there's blame to be placed, why the more it happens [or similar things] the more it hurts, the more i wonder why i am even still talking.
we don't ask or want to be top priority, very rarely do we want all of that. but a time slot is always nice..some way to say i'm thinking of you...especially if something important to the other person is happening and ....
i don't think that even needs to be finished. i wonder at its understanding, i wonder why i let it hurt at all. even the littlest pain still hurts.
but whatever. its usually the spreading effect of an infection you worry about, and not so much each little spot.
i make little sense,,,,,i'm not rereading this [i cant..damn computer] and i'm not sure what i said. i think the end came out bitterly..i'm not sure, but i'm not exactly worried either. not as long as my heart is still glowing red and the thought.............
of him<3
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| rainbow connection |
[07 Jul 2004|08:05pm] |
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i don't even know if have
something to say. not that anyone responds to me anyway. i guess i
don't care. this has always been more for me than any stupid teenage
drama queen that wouldn't understand the way i write anyway. i'm not
sure whats wrong with me though, my moods have been so rampant and even
the littlest disappointment feels like a ton.
but then, i dunno if i'd classify this all under a "little"
disappointment. its when the "plan everything ahead and get it all set
up" peole meet the "woah spur of the moment-i tend to forget some
things due to whatever else may come up" people. i guess if you don't
make definite plans you will never have plans at all. but i already
knew that. and i know what usually happens and i wonder why i am still
surprised. i'm not sure if i ask a lot....but i know there's more being
asked of me. sometimes it seems so unimportant to think in advance when
the situation is involving someone else...well, at least that what it
seems like to me every time it happens. i check the schedule, i make
plans ahead so i can be there if it is at all possible....i love the
music but sometimes it seems like my car runs out of gas....or my
mechanic forgets to fix something until its too late and nothing could
possibly work anymore. perhaps disrespected describes how i feel,
disappointed as well. "out of control" could be argued...when dedaling
wtih 2 spur-of-the-moment people...but not when you are told in
advance, a few times too. blah. too much said already.
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| the gutter catches the rain and all else of lesser beauty |
[05 Jul 2004|12:06pm] |
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mood |
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my mood is rarely on the list |
] |
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music |
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summer sound...kids screaming. blah. the wind is nice. |
] |
i think i've always hated too much drama, too much hopless romanticism too. i've always favored action - fast paced with bullets flying. sometimes its hard not to dramatize the situation, at least in your own mind. i guess thats normal. i'd like my feet on the ground but i love the feel of falling just as well. maybe more, sometimes.
i think its natural to want what we cant have, sort of a challenge to ourselves. of course, and we all know it really, thats not usually the best way to get anything. well, except depressing thoughts of why you don't measure up. which happens to be important to everyone, more so at times, even if they deny it.
but i'm babbling, my topic sorta changed again. i'm not sure what the topic was, or even what i wanted it to be though. - just needed to feel the words more than explain anything to anyone else but myself....i wonder how much i really care if anyone gets it. i suppose you should all be 'getting' yourselves before you try getting me, or anyone else. you will never understand anything if you cant understand yourself. and here i am, in a state of finding a corner of myself that i didn't know was there, or at least had never been in before. its almost stupid really, to think of. i'm not so much worried for myself, for there are no plans to undo myself through myself.
i'm not even sure i was unhappy anymore....maybe it was more of a relief of anything that i had built up inside. there's rarely a better time for that sort of thing than when you're with someone amazing to comfort you. honestly i wasn't all that comforted, probably because of the sense of silence that couldn't be broken then.
i smile now, but i feel almost as if part of me is gone. actually, i think it is, i gave it away. theres a part of me that bleeds where a chunk of my heart used to be..i've given it to him and i don't regret that at all. but until he fully realizes that, i have an empty space that i need filled. its like this chunk of my heart is suspended between us, but the only way my heart can reach full regeneration is if he takes it and truly understands it; makes it his own, in a sense.
just like i want that piece of him. -to fill the gap and make it stronger.
sounds perfect i guess, but everything does on paper... i wonder how often that actually applies. perfection, i mean. i cant think of any times right now, but i hate perfection so i don't really care to. the only state of perfection that i like is the state of imperfection.....
he's perfect in his imperfections ..and thats why i melt when i'm with him. the heat of his gaze and touch...i would melt a thousand times to feel them one more time. woth the time, every time.
i'm babbling again....every time i try for shortness it always ends up so lengthy.
i could talk for years and still not describe this well enough...or even what this means to me.
don't try to understand, just know that you already do.
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[04 Jul 2004|10:29pm] |
i guess some days nothing really goes your way. when you feel like everything you do makes someone mad.
i dunno. i thought i was feeling wordy, but i guess i'm not up to it anymore.
i think i hate crying as much as i love it.
and he is worth every tear. but i don't think i was crying for him today. at least not tonight. i think that was more for me... and all my inadequacies. i felt and feel so heavy. so tired. i want to say so much but talking gets me just as far as silence sometimes. and vice-versa.
i'm not even sure i know why i was and am upset. how much of a reason there is to it...or how many reasons their are to it.
that scares me...not knowing, i mean. i pride myself on how well i know myself. and to feel this upset....i haven't just cried without knowing why in a long time...not since..well not since 'that time.' and this isn't another one of those times, i wouldn't let that happen. this means to much to me.
i want to make him so happy, but sometimes i feel like, even with my best intentions, it doesn't happen. he says he's happy. but that not the happiness i want him to have. i want to bring him once of those truly deep, profound happinesses that no matter what happens later, you never forget.
sometimes i feel terrible for having complaints againts him, the way he never understands exactly what i mean makes me feel so oddly, like maybe i am overreacting [which i hate to hear...really, its no little thing] or maybe mine is the view that is off, even if i am the one who is hurting. sometimes i do complain, or maybe pick at a small detail. but its the little things that count, they always have, and they will always make up and lead to the bigger things.
we wanted this step by step, i just want to make sure that little things don't promise to ruin bigger things out of disappointment or anything.
"everything i do, i do it for you"
and with so many tears over so many times you might think i'd want to just forget it all, and say he's not worth it.
but if i didn't think he was worth all my effort and emotion i would have quit long ago. i'm not stupid or confused, i know exactly what i want.
i think these tears have always been worth it, and everyday he comes closer to proving me right.
i just wish i could show him the idea of happiness...without fucking things up again. i'll try to 'losen up' but i know what hurts me and i how much shit i take, or should take. i know my limits and what i deserve and like. i can shift them but not brake them. ---
he's worth it, i know it. i always have.
i just question if i really deserve him. if i can ever bring him the happiness i want to share with him.
but i damn well gonna try my hardest.
he means so much to me, i couldn't just turn away....these tears reflect beautifully the beauty in his heart.
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| Trees are always better with someone else... |
[03 Jul 2004|07:24pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Si&Gar - the sound of silence |
] |
in a rather artistic mood i guess, kinda bored as well. so i wrote this wondering if anyone could guess what the hell i am talking about in it. you might have to think pretty deeply on some parts though, but i know, in a sense it cant be hard to guess the personification of my inspiration. I <3 my Timofy.
read it. leave a comment-->take a guess at what i mean. it'll be interesting for my bored summer ass.:)
there's a level of silence sharing the room with me tonight. i'm not sure when the tapping of keys, the hum of the computer, and the noise of the fan became silence but oddly it feels close enough to it. i cant help but look out my window at the place i want to be. trees are so much better when you have someone to climb them with though. there's something magical in the way your body presses against each branch in an attempt not to fall off with every movement, every breeze. your racing mind slowly slows down as it takes in the enormity of the situation: the tree itself is huge, dwarfing you quite easily...but at the same time calling you into it. but when you reach the top you feel on top of the world, and every breath, every sigh, every moan and creak of the wind through the branches is something you never want to forget. and the color of the sky looking intently back at you; its beautiful the way the sun smiles as you look up, so brilliant that you cannot stare for long, for fear your eyes might fade and your overflowing heart might burst. the branches shudder with each movement, and attempt to regain balance from each tremble the wind instills. they press hard and fim beneath you, giving you the most amazing and comforting sense of being supported and being protected, being admired; needed; wanted. its amazing to look down and see something so great and strong and beautiful beneath you: its like nothing else i've ever felt before.
and from the top, when you're finally ready, you leap with a scream of freefalling delight as you watch the ground come more quickly up beneath you. as you land at the base of the tree, surrounded by a stream of leaves that swim all around you. swallow deeply and take in the beauty of every second, cause i don't want to miss a thing.
you breathe this breeze so deeply, i only wish i could draw you closer. but trees will never move on their own, you must always come to them. watch out for dead branches that could make you fall....but gentle voices and a calm head can easily talk you around them.
i want to lay under this tree and watch as the leaves come down upon me in a moment of sheer amazing connection with something so natural at heart. <3
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[30 Jun 2004|09:21pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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the sound of your voice<3 |
] |
and in all the usual cracks we've stuck the crimson glue in hopes of holding together this world, although i'm not sure if our efforts are helping or if they are even needed. sometimes its so hard to tell if the world is crumbling or being built, either way too many people are falling through the cracks.
it's almost like a light, a point off far, but not too far, that i just cant seem to reach. and while no one can reach it alone, apparently it takes more strength than any teen movie to really grasp that light. there are those dimmer lights along the way which all too many people mistake for the brightest of them all and find themselves forever stuck in ignorance until they are so attached and fixated on this dim and dieing light that once it burns out and crumbles to dust they are so lost their world starts to tumble as well. i never want to be one of those people, i don't want a light to hold on to that is already fading before i get there.
i want to be blinded by the sheer brilliance as we hold in it our hands. its beauty reflected in the glow of your eyes. eyes that know me so well. i can see right through this, its like a sheer tint on things that just blurs slightly, losing most people and discouraging them from grabing hands and journeying forward. and i know you see like i do, perhaps that starts the spark that we have burning. either way i love its warmth, and it adds a flicker to your eyes that keeps me staring into them, never wanting to blink.
and that lights is growing closer, every word, every thought, every touch, every emotion fuels the fire that sends on towards the light ... and sometimes the anger adds more fuel than any simple heartbeat can. and its those moments after that are beautiful, and its in those moments that i know we can reach the light and seal the cracks. no matter what may happen to our worlds, our will never tragically crumble to lay in ruins ... these fireworks are more brilliant than that. all the crimson that seeps from me, tinted silver by our light, would be given to fill in any cracks that may appear.
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| summer never looked so grey |
[29 Jun 2004|02:21pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
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music |
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Co&Ca |
] |
but then, not everyone knows what they want, and less of what they
need. i'd like to think that i know what i want, at least on certain
matters. we all know what our end result should be, it just takes some
time to work out the quirks. we are all ready if we think we are. and
more so if we know it. but its when we are doubted in our
readiness....that we become doubtful ourselves. i do know what i want
in all of this. well...perhaps not ALL, but in this, yes. everytime
around is different and no less colorful than the last. ..just
differently colored. by simply living you know, and by knowing you
experience. probably should have bitten my tongue on this one, it burns
like a raging fire. but sometimes the bitter use of brutality is the
only weapon again blatant dishonesty. maybe i'm the one who's wrong.
i'm so upset and hurt, i'm not even sure what to say because i cant
even tell if its getting through. i dunno. i feel so drained. it like
my heart is heavier and my lungs are full with water.
okay i'm gonna stop now...go take a breather...maybe a nap before the
world becomes to heavy for one day.
at least i am smiling now. at least i am smiling.
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| summer never looked so grey |
[29 Jun 2004|12:44pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
] |
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music |
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Co&Ca |
] |
but then, not everyone knows what they want, and less of what they need. i'd like to think that i know what i want, at least on certain matters. we all know what our end result should be, it just takes some time to work out the quirks. we are all ready if we think we are. and more so if we know it. but its when we are doubted in our readiness....that we become doubtful ourselves. i do know what i want in all of this. well...perhaps not ALL, but in this, yes. everytime around is different and no less colorful than the last. ..just differently colored.
by simply living you know, and by knowing you experience.
probably should have bitten my tongue on this one, it burns like a raging fire. but sometimes the bitter use of brutality is the only weapon again blatant dishonesty. maybe i'm the one who's wrong. i'm so upset and hurt, i'm not even sure what to say because i cant even tell if its getting through.
i dunno. i feel so drained. it like my heart is heavier and my lungs are full with water.
okay i'm gonna stop now...go take a breather...maybe a nap before the world becomes to heavy for one day.
at least i am smiling now. at least i am smiling.
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| it starts like this..... |
[28 Jun 2004|10:57am] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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Kind of Like Spitting -- Born Beautiful |
] |
ya know the feeling that something's wrong, but you aren't really sure what it is. -not with you though, but with someone else? you can just sense that they are 'off' ...at least towards you. but then you just kinda brush it off and sum it up to "maybe they are just having a bad day, they'll bounce back soon"......but what if they don't?
what if they don't call, or don't talk, or walk away, or don't touch, or seem so detached [but only from you], ...or all of the above?
maybe its just a bad day, although that reasoning is starting to not fit because this feeling has bridged the gaps between days now. its almost like a puzzle..trying to piece together events and vibes to figure out whats going on with someone else.
i'm not sure i've ever felt so outrightedly unwanted before either. like all the "oh, no really,its okay if you cant" were just masking what they really meant [and sounded like anyway]: "please don't, it'd be better that way." i almost didn't....go that is, but i thought that whole bad day thing again. just go, i thought, its fine, maybe even bring cheer.
but it seemed as if that wasn't really so. i'm not sure what it was, or what i've done....or maybe what someone else is doing?....but sometimes ya cant just smile and act like you don't noticed how ignored you are. how out of place as well.
and suddenly theres a minute of chance for togetherness...so willingly blown away for a shit excuse of buttons to be pushed. let it slide...just sit there, its odd how alone one can feel when in a room full of people..more lost in my own thoughts than the commotion around me, i guess.
i didn't like it, but i wasn't going to make a mess of it. maybe it was just me anyway? i'm not really sure. i didn't realize how the placement of ones body next to someone else can just require SO much effort that it simply cannot be done...must not have been very important then..
and then, when finally i don't feel so out of place, when i've found something to latch onto, and i could smile and not feel so much like something only wanted when no one else is around [please don't say one person, i think i would waste away to the nothingness that seems to have been thrown in my direction] i get the icy heat of a stare ....biting into me hard.
but i guess the fun can never end there, not until the cold air bites at my ears and tears at my heart, just a little, just enough. enough to make me wonder, make me think, make me mathematical and attempt to add all this together, ....but now suddenly it seems i'm in the wrong. the moon is no place for little girls.
and little girls are not allowed to wander by themselves unless they are thrown that way...they aren't allowed to chose it. no. for that would bring anger...more detachment? yes. and not even a hand held to warm the chills that have set in, crawling on my spine. its as if i wanted to scream out ITS ALL MY FAULT...even though i don't even know whats wrong. and i guess i never will, because its not with me, and the wind only wispers dark secrets and nothing of what you know. nothing of your reasons .......just a warning and a promise and a moment of stability found in a time where everything is falling apart for everyone.
its amazing how one ruin can fill the gaps in something that is starting to crumble.
and i'd let this mind of mine roam more, but perhaps its already gone far enough. too many paths it could take and get lost without ever knowing which one is the real one and how wrong [or right] it is. maybe, through notes, although strained and worried, i could hear an answer in an echo. i hope the echo isn't just what i want to hear, for there once was a time when echo could say what she wanted.
i just don't understand why i wasn't told. why, when i am supposed to be so close, i am still kept so far on things. i didn't understand and i still don't, but i want to. and as warm as the wind wishes to be, this summer breeze is numbing me, and the frost bite eats my heart. look at me and take a breath....let outa all the air you hold inside so i can see if i am better off frozen...or if you are feezing yourself.
i only worry about what i can see....and every time i close my eyes i see what could be...and what i may never know under this wall that blocks the wind from whispering in my ears. break it down....or better yet. be my wind.
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| i thought the pieces fit cause i watched them fall away...but.. |
[11 Jun 2004|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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 [hurt] |
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music |
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no one really cares anyway... |
] |
I'm not sure how it happens, or even why it happens. but it always does without fail. everything falls apart, i guess, .. sooner or later. and as much as that hurts it feels good at the same time.
but this doesn't feel good, not this way. the kind of breaking where its only you who seems to be broken away from the rest...like everything you did and said and all the things you helped them through didn't really matter..like they didn't mean anything. and sure our senses fail making it harder to keep in touch with things, but we try. i cant help it if that effort is not recognized...i did just as much as he did. only difference is he is better looking.
and i know i was never the more favorite of the options, but there is something between us, between all of us [more so the 'us' that are concerned] and so i just smiled and ignored the fact that i was maybe not invited, or maybe never called or even contacted or kept in touch with. and i know i've been busy and haven't been able to keep in touch as much myself. but i could never help but feel unwanted. it never bothered me fully until now, its cool to read the list of names [all nicely colored and capitalized] and not even see myself mentioned on it. i guess we're not much for subtleties. and i guess we're not much into caring what other people feel.
but, ya know, thats cool. i like living in this grey anyway not that..[what anne had said has been cencored due to the fact that she may regret it later]..
maybe i'm wrong...but i'm right that it really bothered me. "and no amount of crying can wash the blood from your guilty hands." but i doubt explanations because they are always 'oh i didn't realize...'..which is just making thing worse, because it shows that you ignored me so much that you didn't even realize how mean you really were being, and that since they are only said once the damage has been done its an ant next to the grand canyon of a comparison.
but whatever, my walls are being built now anyway, so you've got little time to slip in and try and fix things as much as you can. ...but i have a feeling you wont. you wont read this. you wont realize its about you. you wont care. you wont have time. you wont think you did anything wrong. you wont be able to say it without lieing. who knows...i love and hate how people are so predictable and how everything's the same.
and what i love more is how i predictable am always bothered by it.......
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[09 Jun 2004|07:47pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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music |
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helter skelter |
] |
well, you'd think after not updating for a while i'd have a lot to say...or at least something. but no such luck it seems. my brain is over-dry. its been drained by so many review classes and failures...well, at least i am passing now [math i mean]. i hate when i think of something very inspirational and then forget it when i go to write it out. it happens a lot. maybe i should just write it as soon as i think of it, or more, leave a note so i can polish it later. but that in itself requires thoughtand when thinking great thoughts we often forget the smaller details.
I cant wait for summer to start, i've been so over worked this year, i dunno. between making up the first 1 and a half marking periods and taking all advanced classes its been killing me. I'm dropping french for next year, its beasically stupid cause 5 is just the same as 4...you just write more. no, not a waste of time at all....the classes aren't even seperated. sigh. i dunno. the only class i really want to take is criminology. one of the most interesting things to be offered next year since they added more classes. maybe i wierd....but killers are the most interesting people.:P
wouldn't zero be the loneliest number? i mean, afterall, it exists but it has absolutely nothing. no One can boast that. they at least have some substance to them. infinity is probably the most depressing though....sure we all want to live forever but eventually you'd want it to end. but if you were infinitized that wouldn't be an option really....just on and on...and no one could ever ever reach you. just you alone going and going FOREVER. i'd like my number to stop. to be called up sometime, because i've been waiting in the room 17 years now and they only give a couple of magazines...and once you've read them all it might as well be hell. or some sense of a purgatory. and always waiting for something that you don't want to do anyway. ya know, dentist, doctor, etc. and notice the only good part is when you're done and your number has been called and you've met your appointment and its over. thats when its good. i hope thats a promise, because i don't see how it could be bad, but they tell my that i have to believe in something [i'm not sure why...they just say it..cause they do, i guess] so i believe that it'll be happier when i am no longer waiting and i have my appointment and its done. well, maybe not happier, because there are some good magazines here, but at least not as bad as ya'll seem to predict...all this fire and halos and ahh ahh its the end of the world....i dunno, i've always like that period after an appointment when its like...finally i'm fucking done and out....and the only thing around me is dark...nice sleep...i love to sleep. everyone does, it'll be nice. really....
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| boredom is taking me to places no one should ever go. |
[26 May 2004|03:05pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
] |
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music |
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uh, does dracula have a theme song? |
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woooah, you're all gonna be jealous today!!!..........cause i'm a vampire. well, annepire to be exact.......but whahoo. i'm a vampy. Let Me Bite You (actually its not all its cracked up to be, .....but i still need your blood though. this'll be easier if you don't resist...just pretend its a kiss...well, that is only if you're name isn't timofy, cause if it is then its more of a suck *innocent eyes* :) )
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| i'm not sure, but then nothing ever stays still.... |
[25 May 2004|06:27pm] |
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beauty to ashes |
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and i'd sigh to start this but thats a little more than cliched, and i'm not sure i can handle that tonight. i feel the need to apologise for a lot of things, all of which were beyond my control. i wish i could control the actions of certain others....no. actually i don't, there's a beauty in a thing called 'self-control'. but i still want to appologive for actions and thoughts and feelings that aren't my own. i know how this effects you, and you know how all of that effects me. i wish i could change it so that you wouldn't be as effect, or maybe, maybe there shoulda been some way that i had warned you before you got into all of this...before i dragged you into all of this....before you got involved with me......of the baggage that comes with me. of the things i cant control. but i half wonder if there isn't a degree of pain and hardship with every relationship. sadly this degree is caused by no doing of our own. i don't see you any differently, i wish his opinion of you would change, and i'm not sure why it hasn't. know that you have done nothing wrong. nothing. and know how much you really really mean to me. i hate to see you upset, even more so when i feel responsible, i hate that feeling of helplessness in that i cant stop this, i've been trying for about 14 years to. and still i get nothing. you see a lot on tv shows and movies, but i guess now that i'm thinking about it they are older movies/shows, how the father of the girl dislikes the boyfriend and the bf has to earn his approval, while the girl just keeps falling in love with the boyfriend. i think thats how this life of mine is. that was always the 'normal' to me because of how he raised me. i'm not saying thats right, i'm jsut saying thats how he sees it. however, i do completely feel that he takes this more than a little bit too far. its beyond not being fair to you, and its not fair to me either to have to deal with it or watch you deal wityh it. you're the closest anyones ever been to me, and you know so much more as well, whether through certain circumstances or simply through our own honesty and ability to communicate with each other. and that is something i don't want to lose or fuck up in any way. and it hurts me to no end to think that someone else, not another girl or some stupid rumor or something, but my own father could be fucking it up for me and pushing you away. i only wish to hold you tighter, close your eyes i promise not to hurt you. i started crying at dinner today, i'm so upset over all of this, and its so hard for me to really explain it all. you mean so much, regardless of the fact that this is my "first real relationship" (which the more i think about it the more of bullshit it becomes to me because it may be my first serious relationship, but its not my first commitment, my frist responsibility, or even my first 'non-serious' relationship. and i've seen countless other relationships and helped people through them and/or get into them, i know all that. all i want to know is you) i know how much of a good thing you are, don't forget i know many guys and how they are and, like i said, i know many relationships/couples and how they are. you are amazing. and whats even more is you are amazing for me as well. you're not any kind of a failure, not in my eyes. your beautiful, and something that i only wish to be able to bring closer to me. you are talented too, and you know that if you ever need any help with anything (that includes school work too) i will help you, all you have to do is ask, i'd always be more than happy. because you make me more than happy, (corny sounding...but): you're better then all the chocolate in the world. and you're even sweeter too. please, please try not to get down on this, if he doesn't change over time..don't forget, in less than a year i will be 18. and then, he can say much of fucking anything. i think you just need to learn to ignore him. he's a ride here and there. he's an open wallet. but he's no one who's opinion on this matters. he just is no more than furniture in that. god, you mean so fucking much to me hun. i only wish i could show you more, and make this so much easier for you. i just don't want to see you start to slip away over something that i cannot control, over something that has absolutely no more to do with me then biology. i don't believe a word he says, and neither should you. you are fucking amazing. i <3 you more than ever. ...more than ever.<3<3<3
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| here's to the nights we felt alive... |
[24 May 2004|01:29pm] |
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simon and garfunkle |
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its beautiful out. sunny, windy, green and blue. i miss the thunderstorms, now that was amazing. i cant remember the last time we've had so many. it woulda been nice to have a tornado - if only for my selfish reason of wanting to spend the night at Timofy's house. not necessarily with the destruction, just enough for an obstruction really.
there's a little spider on my window sill. off-black on white. one of the ones that like to jump if you try to catch them. its on the other side of the window, i guess it came through the screen, i want to let it outside but it is closer to that goal than i am. i wonder how many spiders die when it rains; pours; or tornadoes. and how insignificant that is to everyone.
goddamn my stomach hurts. i think i have another ulcer. this one hurts much more than last time....and last time there were seven or so of them, so i dunno what that means exactly. i never feel like eating anymore, i get 'hungry' but its only a feeling and not a desire, if that makes any sense. mainly because i know its going to hurt or make me feel sick. i wish the damn pills would work so this would be better, the last week and a half to 2 weeks i've been waking up in terrible pain, like the kinda pain all you want to do is curl up and cry but at the same time you don't want to move at all. yea, beautiful. blah, i hate going to my doctor, he's an odd little indian man [from india, not a native american] that i can hardly understand and i don' think that he ever understands me anyway. well its kinda fun just for entertainment, but not when i actually need something done.
ee. its early, but i hafta get some work done *gasp!* yes i am actually doing homerk....well, this is for a group project so i feel more compelled to do it so that i don't bring everyone else down, especially when we have our presentation tomorrow. yeup, thats right. we got a whole....1hr and 15mins to do this project wich i would have given the groups at least 3 to 4 hours to work on in class. ....yea, really cool how our project is gonna suck ass and she [the teacher] just thinks its funny. oh ha ha. i bet she'll take off for our poor planning too....damn her.
haha....okay, now i'm really going....really.
and oh, by the way, timotay is a muddafuggin hottie, who i just happen to be missing very much. [i'll pretend that i'm kissing the lips i am missing .....] amazing and gorgeous [who could ask for anything more?] <3<3:)
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[20 May 2004|07:43pm] |
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no music. just silence. |
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and its pouring out. i love the sound of it, i've always like thunderstorms. something calming in them. maybe its just to show me that, cheer up, you could never cry that much. its making me thirsty but my water's all warm, the ice has long since melted and the freezer is so far. so just out of my reach. so typical.
there are many lines and many ways to cross them, but i wish when people went to cross them they'd look both ways and listen to what is being told to them instead of continuing and only making things worse for them. i'm happy. i'm more than happy. and i wouldn't have this any other way. so please, don't try and make it change. its not yours to change and just stating such things looks very bad on you on every level. i know how you feel, you've made that clear, just as i have made it clear where my feelings are focused, and i don't want to ever let this boy go. i know a great thing when i have it, and i cetainly have it, and hearing what you say doesn't make that any weaker, it only makes me feel guilty for being audience to that and failing him in allowing you to continue saying things. all i see is friendship and thats all i want. if it were any different i'd let you know. but its not going to be. all i see is Tim, everything else is just a blur, and i don't believe that i am missing anything. and perhaps the presentation was lacking and that you should know yourself a little better before you know me, i know. i can see. and even if you were well rehearsed all i'd give you is a smile and credit but my hands are taken my something so much better, not to be insulting, that i can see elsewhere. please stop bringing this up to me, because the more you do the more harsher of a no i will give to you, which would quickly deteriorate anything resembling a friendship. i would never flat out leave a good things for sue unsurity anyway, and if i did leave i would be in no state for someone else anyway. just back it up and cool it down or nothing is going to continue in the way of being friends, because it makes me very uncomfortable, and i don't like it at all. Tim is fucking amazing and the closest to me anyone has ever been. i wouldn't just leave that. not like this, not like anything. stop these thoughts before they reach me. before they even come out, because no good is comin g from them. forget whats already been said and just see what i'm saying. Tim is the only one i want, and thats beautiful. i know what i'm doing, and i don't doubt this one bit. he's amazing. he's my amazing. and you are nothing more than a friend who is trying to push the line in your favor. it wont work, i garuntee i will push back harder.
goddamn he is amazing. i <3 my Timofy, and i wont blink at all.
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[19 May 2004|06:57pm] |
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nFg |
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okay, lets say a child was born either color blind or they saw the colors as a little different than the rest of us. now the child is taught the colors growing up and now associates, say, the color orange to be what everyone else calls green, because thats how they see the color green. they would have no idea that it should be any different, right? so how could you test for that in a person thats been like that since birth? like if you were to point to ask me the color of the sky and i just said blue because thats what the sky is, as we have been told since forever, but in actuality i saw it to be green, but in my mind green was what i thought blue was, how could you even tell?
maybe what i see isn't really what everyone else sees, i just think it is cause i have been taught that since birth assuming that i see colors like everyone else, but what if i don't? how would i know. what if my word for orange is really your word for blue.....what if what i think 'green' is really looks like red to everyone else.....how would they test that? gah. what if people are really purple but i see them as this weird 'fleshy' color, but really flesh is purple? .........make me blind and clear my mind.
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[18 May 2004|07:27pm] |
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coheed and cambria .... |
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so much going on. wee. more prom pictures, the professional ones. *giggles* WHOLY SHIT TIM LOOKS HOT [he always does but...DAMN!!!!!]!!!
( Check out This Crazy Night And The Hotness )
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if_love_existed's journal
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